Wednesday, February 27, 2008

a flat fish

I lectured for six hours today. Fortunate, then, that I love the sound of my own voice...

But Because of Reasons,* I have commenced this academic year without my usual 'spark'.
My enthusiasm, my cackling exuberance. My wild excitablity, the immense looove I have for my subject.
My wildly crackling inner fire.
I worried that the students would be disappointed: many have enrolled in one of my courses because it received "rave reviews", so to speak.

Not blowing my own trumpet, just saying.
I have ended up with a HUUUUGE class, all with the expectation of something spectacular.
They all sat quietly throughout today's class.

Today I was aware of my own flatness. At the end, they all sat there, silent.
One student stayed back : that was fantastic! she said. I thought to myself, 'not my usual standard....'

but still.

I drove home, past the usual trees, across the usual bridge.
Stopped for the usual holdups.
Drove down the hill to the usual horizon.

Storms roll over Sydney, then the sun erupts again.
The wind blows one way, then the other.
You absorb all things, and continue on.

* I pinched that phrase from Thirdcat. It makes me laugh.


Luhlahh said...

Teaching is really quite the thing for those of us who like an audience!

bluemountainsmary said...

Oh Fifi I hope you find your inner fire again.

I have just re read your I am from post again.

Flipping heck - amazing.

meggie said...

Because of Reasons... Wonderful explanation. Perfectly legitimate too.

The storms are freakish!

Anonymous said...

Awww, I hope you rediscover your zest.

My students quite often fall asleep in my lectures! In fact, sometimes I nearly do so myself. Only teasing - but it is hard to make some aspects of my subject area interesting however enthusiastic I am feeling.

Because of Reasons - yeah, we all have those. Sometimes we just have to accept them and they go, but other times we have to do stuff to sort them - but only when we are ready to do so.

Isabelle said...

Sorry about your Reasons, dear Fifi.

Anonymous said...

Traybake has the same problem re the rave reviews. He claims that he is also plagued every day with queues of crying women outside his office waiting for him to give advice/help/more marks he has also developed a reputation for being sympathetic. I have mentioned your situation to him and he can only suggest a new start at another academic institution and a resolution on your part to be more dreary and unenthusiastic about your subject. Hope your Reasons go away.


Molly said...

Because of Reasons....Love that, because we all have our reasons. Which don't have to be logical just because certain persons demand logic at the expense of feelings....Go with your reasons, I say. Your zest will come back, though it apparently, is not glaringly obvious to everyone that it has left, only you. But you're the one who knows.....

Arcturus said...

I so would have enrolled in your class ... listening raptly ... but I'm sorry to hear you feel a certain fire has gone out. It will come back because that fire is within you, it defines your artistic sensibilities and creativity, such as we (your readers) read and see in your blog entries.

The pictures are absolutely beautiful, esp. of the rain in the distance.

meli said...

i meant to say, that painting is so beautiful.

and of course we can't feel the fire every day. which doesn't mean it's gone out. but it must be tiring when you have to keep projecting it...